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Q & A With Author Dr. Chirban
We live in an age of sexual un-innocence. Especially because of the Internet, kids have access to an immense supply of sexual material. Studies show that today's media expose kids to far more information about sex than their parents received at the same age. Your kids probably know more than you think! Ironically, the abundance of all this information actually makes talking about sex with your kids all the more important than if they had less information. This is because kids need their help to sort the information out, to separate the good from the bad, and to get direction so that they act in ways consistent with their values. Without helpful guidance, kids can get confused, if not lost, by the conflicting messages they hear. Back To Top What do you think is the number one goal families should have when they begin to talk about sex? Parents should communicate to their kids that sex, intimacy, and love are three of the most powerful ways we have to connect to others-and to connect to ourselves. We need to help our kids feel comfortable and confident with their sexual self-not anxious, uncertain, or afraid. To impart this, parents should explain to their kids how their family values affect their decisions concerning sexuality. By applying family values, we help our kids to integrate their sexuality with life-and to develop a true sense of self-respect, openness to others, and love. Back To Top What influenced you to write this book? Two influences were paramount. First, having worked with thousands of patients and students, I have learned how inaccurate information creates problems. In spite of our sex-saturated culture, most parents do not feel comfortable with talking about sex. Kids often refer to the "talk" about "IT" as being a one-time, uncomfortable event that gets to some basic physical facts, rather than an on-going conversation that includes discussion of love, feelings, desire, and understanding relationships generally. Because of this common experience, many kids don't have open lines of communication with their parents. I saw the need for a book that highlighted how our values can strengthen communication between parent and child, and strengthen our relationships with our children. The home is the best place to make the connection between values and our relationships; it's a place to experience and discuss our intimate relationships from the actual experience of an intimate experience! The other influence came from my own family. I have three children of my own, ages 9, 12, and 13. As our family confronts challenges of growing up, I saw the chance to make distinctions and connections about sex, intimacy, and love with my kids. I've learned how rewarding and fulfilling it is to speak honestly about sex, intimacy, love, as doing so brings you into a more meaningful, closer relationship with your family. You can feel your kids relief when you establish a relationship that permits them to sort these issues out. I feel that we're on track because they speak openly and more and more confidently about their doubts, concerns, questions, and desires. Back To Top What challenges do parents today face when talking with their children about sex that parents 50 years ago did not face? Much has changed! Cultural attitudes have shifted dramatically. People today are use to public discussion of sexual issues that were once taboo, such as premarital sex and homosexuality. This openness is generally a good thing. However, the new challenges that face parents require their stance in response to the many voices that influence their kids. For example, the advent of HIV and AIDs, as well as other STIs, shows that sexual activity carries responsibility and risks. Additionally, the growth of the Internet means that parents need to be concerned about what children might be exposed to when on the computer. Also, a general coarsening of sexual content in other media, like TV, movies, music, and magazines results in superficial messages about sex constantly deluging our children. But these challenges can be addressed. Kids need to know that they have a ready source of information they can trust far more than any media, one that can teach them to be safe and sexually mature-their parents. Back To Top What role, if any, does religion play in talking about sex? Religion can play an important-and very healthy-role in talking about sex. How much of a role it will play in a particular family depends on that family's values and commitments. Turning to religious teachings to frame sex in a larger viewpoint may teach your child that sex relates to the whole person. It's not just an isolated, physical act-not connected to our heart, mind, and soul. In this way, religion can be a source of empowering values that make connections to the "total package" of sex, intimacy, and love. Sometimes religion does not show connections and is used as a means of control: of "should nots." Rules without explanation are often not convincing. On the other hand, there are religious lessons that provide a positive resource to strengthen our identity and relationships. One should honor oneself and respect one's body, as well as the bodies of others. One should love oneself and others and treat self and other with respect. By thinking in this way, if these are our values, we make claim connections with our values-they are not imposed upon us. When a family approaches religion from this living perspective, it helps children develop the moral grounding to face the challenges of the world we live in. Back To Top What is the number one concern that you hear from parents about talking with their children about sex? There are many different issues that arise for parents when it comes to talking about sex. But the most prevalent issue I see-one that seems to float behind almost all other concerns-seems to be the anxiety that parents have within themselves over talking about sex, because it embarrasses them or because they worry they will convey the wrong information or even encourage their child to engage in sexual acts. Many parents treat sex like nitroglycerin-one wrong move and the whole thing will explode! A goal of my book is to teach parents that, while it is common to feel discomfort or anxiety when talking about sex, such talk is integral to the health of your child. You don't have to act like you know it all. If you're honest about your uncertainty and are willing to learn as you teach, you will build a closer relationship with your child. And keep in mind that while providing accurate information is important, more important is a parent's openness to their child and his or her needs. You want to establish a relationship that keeps both of you comfortable. Contrary to what some might expect, studies show that talking about sex in a loving and honest way actually decreases the likelihood that a child will engage in sexual activity. Back To Top At what age should parents initiate conversations about sex with their children? Communicating about sex with your child should start early. In fact, even how we raise our children-tucking them into bed at night, comforting them when they get a minor scrape, etc.-teaches lessons about how to relate to our bodies and how to express our feelings. Talking about sex can begin as soon as the child starts talking. It begins as part of the process of teaching children about their bodies and good hygiene. For instance, teaching the proper names for the parts of the body can occur naturally as part of giving baths. Of course, children don't always wait until their parents are ready to talk! The smallest of kids are naturally curious, and they are bound to ask questions about the differences between the sexes and where babies come from. Parents should use such opportunities to introduce information suitable for the age of the child. A four-year-old who wants to know where babies come from should not get the same answer as a nine-year-old, but both should get an answer that addresses their question. Beginning discussions of sex early on, in an age-appropriate, way will teach kids that the lines of communication are open and that they can always come to their parents with their questions and concerns. I hasten to add, however, that it's never too late to set up these lines of communication. Parents who have put off discussion of sexual matters can help their children at any age by engaging in an honest, heart-to-heart talk about real issues. This will bring you closer to your child. Back To Top What do you hope families will learn by reading this book? I hope that families will learn how to communicate openly about sex in a way that confirms its significant place in our life. Sex, intimacy, and love are vital experiences for each of us, and children need to understand this to grow to their full potential. In the end, I believe that this book will help parents connect with their children by teaching them to relate sexuality and love into their own value-rich understanding of life. Back To Top Name one thing you recommend parents do to ease the tension of talking about sex with their children. Kids-and most of us--find comments about sex to be funny. In fact, words like "penis" or "vagina" are sometimes beyond hilarious. Because of this, humor can be an excellent way to put your child at ease when talking about sex. Yet the use of humor requires skill. It's important to develop a sense of where and when to use humor. The goal is to make your child feel comfortable, and not to treat the topic of sex too lightly or to denigrate it. To start out, just be yourself in a way that respects you and your child. Being natural will encourage your kids to be natural too. Back To Top What should parents know if they just don't want to talk about sex with their kids? It's true that sex is one of the most important but least effectively talked about subjects in parenting. Many parents find it difficult to broach the subject, but talking about sex is of supreme importance to the healthy development of each of us. The reality is that kids are going to learn about sex from someone, somewhere. Since parents love their children and want what is best for them, I think they need to confide their hesitation and get in there, before someone else does! They will find that it's not as hard as they may fear, and the rewards are immense. If parents begin to talk about sex early in ways suited to the needs of their child, they will find that talking about sex need not be a dramatic or traumatic event, but a gradual and natural process. This doesn't mean that there won't be tough moments or surprising conversations, but the trust built up between parent and child will make it far easier. Reluctant parents can take heart from the promise that if they do talk about sex with their kids, they are helping their children feel confidence and whole. Back To Top |
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